What's iTunes, Arnold?
by 1000th Ghost
Summary: Itunes challenge. About 3/4 of the songs on my ipod I relate in some way to Hey Arnold. I didn't get a single one. But I did get everything from The Sound of Music to Weird Al. Watch and be amazed as I attempt to write serious stories about nonsense songs


What's iTunes, Arnold?

By: 1000th Ghost

**Write a short fic about ten random songs. Put your respective music player on shuffle, and write a story to whatever song comes up. Sounds easy? It should. Except you also have to write the story in the span of the song you are writing about.**

**#1: Canadian Idiot**

**Sung by: Weird Al Yankovic**

_Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot  
Don't wanna be some beer swillin' hockey nut  
And do I look like some frostbitten hose-head?  
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed_

They all live on donuts and moose meat  
And they leave the house without packin' heat  
Never even bring their guns to the mall  
And you know what else is too funny?  
Their stupid Monopoly money  
Can't take 'em seriously at all

Well maple syrup and snow's what they export  
They treat curling just like it's a real sport  
They think their silly accent is so cute  
Can't understand a thing they're talkin' aboot

Sure they got their national health care  
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air  
Then again well they got Celine Dion  
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni  
And dream of drivin' a Zamboni  
All over Saskatchewan

Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot  
Won't figure out their temperature in Celsius  
See the map, they're hoverin' right over us  
Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous

Always hear the same kind of story  
Break their nose and they'll just say "sorry"  
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?  
It's gotta mean they're all up to somethin'  
So quick, before they see it comin'  
Time for a pre-emptive strike!__

**(takes place during 'Hey Arnold! The Movie')**

"Oh, no, Arnold! You'll be a Canadian!"

"_Grandpa_…" Arnold sighed, rolling his eyes.

But…Canada? Okay, maybe it was a little bit farfetched. But it did make him wonder. What _would _happen to him? His grandparents…maybe they _would _go to a nursing home. And he would be…

"_An orphan!_" the voice of Helga's father came floating to him.

"Well, at least in Canada I'd be free of Helga," he thought smugly.

**#2: The Lonely Goatherd**

**From: The Sound of Music**

_Maria:  
High on a hill was a lonely goatherd  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo  
Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo_

Folks in a town that was quite remote heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo  
Lusty and clear from the goatherd's throat heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

the Children:  
O ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay  
O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay

Maria:  
A prince on the bridge of a castle moat heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo  
Kurt:  
Men on a road with a load to tote heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

the Children:  
Men in the midst of a table d'hote heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo  
Maria:  
Men drinking beer with the foam afloat heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

One little girl in a pale pink coat heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo  
Brigitta:  
She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Maria:  
Soon her Mama with a gleaming gloat heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo  
What a duet for a girl and goatherd  
Maria and the Children:  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Maria and the Children:  
Ummm (ummm) . . .  
Odl lay ee (odl lay ee)  
Odl lay hee hee (odl lay hee hee)  
Odl lay ee . . .  
. . . yodeling . . .

Child:  
One little girl in a pale pink coat heard  
Maria:  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hoo hoo  
Child:  
She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd  
Maria:  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Maria:  
Soon her Mama with a gleaming gloat heard  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hmm hmm  
What a duet for a girl and goatherd  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Maria and the Children:  
Happy are they lay dee olay dee lee o . . .  
. . . yodeling . . .  
Soon the duet will become a trio  
Maria:  
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Maria and the Children:  
Odl lay ee, old lay ee  
Odl lay hee hee, odl lay ee  
Odl lay odl lay, odl lay odl lee, odl lay odl lee  
Odl lay odl lay odl lay

the Children:  
HOO!

Helga sighed.

"Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!" she heard from far down the mountain.

If only she could match her dreamy yodeler's pitch, forever by his side…

Oh, what the heck?

Summoning all her strength, she yodeled back.

"Helga?!" Arnold Goatherd asked in astonishment.

"Oh, that's nic…" Miriam droned, before nodding off.

"Well…"

"Um…"

(one year later)

"Aww…what a cute baby!" Arnold crooned.

**#3: Don't Stop the Music**

**Sung by: Rihanna **

_Please don't stop the music, music, music, music, music, music. (2x)_

It's gettin late  
I'm making my way over to my favorite place  
I gotta get my body moving shake the stress away  
I wasn't looking for nobody when you looked my way  
Possible candidate (yeah)  
Who knew  
That you'd be up in here lookin like you do  
You're makin' stayin' over here impossible  
Baby I must say your aura is incredible  
If you don't have to go don't

Do you know what you started  
I just came here to party  
But now we're rockin on the dance floor  
Acting naughty  
Your hands around my waist  
Just let the music play  
We're hand in hand  
Chest to chest  
And now we're face to face

I wanna take you away  
Lets escape into the music  
DJ let it play  
I just can't refuse it  
Like the way you do this  
Keep on rockin to it  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the music

I wanna take you away  
Lets escape into the music  
DJ let it play  
I just can't refuse it  
Like the way you do this  
Keep on rocking to it  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the music

Baby are you ready cause its getting close  
Don't you feel the passion ready to explode  
What goes on between us no one has to know  
This is a private show (oh)

Do you know what you started  
I just came here to party  
But now we're rockin on the dance floor

Acting naughty  
Your hands around my waist  
Just let the music play  
We're hand in hand  
Chest to chest  
And now we're face to face

I wanna take you away  
Lets escape into the music  
DJ let it play  
I just can't refuse it  
Like the way you do this  
Keep on rockin to it  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the music

I wanna take you away  
Lets escape into the music  
DJ let it play  
I just can't refuse it  
Like the way you do this  
Keep on rockin to it  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the music

Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coo sa  
Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coosa (2x)

Please don't stop the music  
Please don't stop the music

Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coo sa  
Mama say mama sa, Ma ma coosa

Please don't stop the music (2x)

I wanna take you away  
Lets escape into the music  
DJ let it play  
I just can't refuse it  
Like the way you do this  
Keep on rockin to it  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the music

I wanna take you away  
Lets escape into the music  
DJ let it play  
I just can't refuse it  
Like the way you do this

Keep on rocking to it  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the  
Please don't stop the music

Ma ma say ma ma sa, Ma ma coo sa  
Ma ma say ma ma sa, Ma ma coosa(6x)

Please don't stop the music

**(takes place during the tango scene of 'April Fool's Day')**

Maybe she deserved it. Heck, she was almost sure she deserved it.

How long exactly had she tortured his very existence?

But…then again…did she deserve _this_?

He was holding her too tightly.

He was too fast.

He was too…rough.

He was scaring her to death.

_She _was the one who chased _him_. It was their routine, it was how it always was. He was breaking about a million unspoken rules.

But, oh, the things he was doing…

Was it wrong that she loved every minute of it?

This was overdue…this was _much_ too long overdue.

They had been so _close _on the roof of FTI…there hadn't been time…now there was.

It takes two to tango.

She almost laughed.

April Fools, football head.

**#4: Grapefruit Diet**

**Sung by: Weird Al Yankovic**

_Who's that waddlin' down the street  
It's just me 'cause I love to eat  
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham  
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!  
Every picture of me's  
Gotta be an aerial view  
Now my doctor tells me  
There's just one thing left to do_

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Throw out the pizza and beer  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Might seem a little severe  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear  
Blow, fatty!

Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce  
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss  
Walked down an alley and I got stuck  
I got more rolls than a pastry truck  
When I'm all done eating  
I eat a little more  
When I leave a room  
First I gotta grease the door

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Can't have another éclair  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
I gotta decrease my derriere

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

No more pie now  
No more crème brulee  
Lay off the gravy  
And soufflé  
No french fri-yi-yies now  
No ice cream parfait  
Mr. Cheese Nacho  
Stay away

Oh I think I'd sell my soul  
For a triple patty melt  
But I need a boomerang  
When I put on my belt

Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Lay off the 3 Musketeers  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Until my big booty disappears  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears  
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)  
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years

I'm on a Grapefruit Diet  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet  
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet

I think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese  
I need a side order of onion rings  
And oh yah, don't forget to Super-Size that

**(takes place sometime in the future)**

Harold sighed with satisfaction as he shoved his twentieth Mr. Fudgy Bar into his eagerly waiting mouth.

So, he was currently a revolting four hundred pounds?

So, he was morbidly obese?

So, his doctors advised him intensely to change his lifestyle immediately?

How could he resist this kind of tender, loving care?

"Oh, my poor, little baby," Patty crooned. "Would you like a piece of pie? It's fresh out of the oven."

Harold sighed. His wife loved him. He loved food. She loved to cook. It was a nice combination.

If only he could live long enough to enjoy it.

**#5: Why Does This Always Happen To Me?**

**Sung by: Weird Al Yankovic**

_I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report  
About some devastating earthquake in Peru  
There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive  
On the Richter scale it measured 8.2_

And I said, "God, please answer me one question?"  
"Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?"  
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything  
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed

Why does this always happen?  
Why does this always happen to me?  
Why does this always happen?  
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba

I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl  
There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead  
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere  
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head

And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him  
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk  
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again  
Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work

Why does this always happen?  
Why does this always happen to me?  
Why does this always happen?  
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba

Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner  
And he told me I should buy another case  
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking  
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face)

Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck  
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then  
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little  
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again)  
Oh, tell me

Why does this always happen?  
Why does this always happen to me?  
Why does this always happen?  
Why does this always happen to me?

Why does this always happen to me?  
(Why does this always happen to me?)  
Why does this always happen to me?  
(Why does this always happen to me?)

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba

Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba  
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba

Well…it had almost worked. At least he had spoken her name.

"Helga".

It wasn't a particularly attractive name, but somehow it sounded beautiful when it sprung from his lips.

It should have been perfect.

If only the words "Why do you _always _have to bug me?" hadn't immediately followed.

She always halfway wanted to maybe manage to attempt to be somewhat nice to him.

And then it would explode in her face.

Why did this always happen to her?

Why her, specifically?

Was it because she cared too much? She tried too hard? She lusted too obsessively?

It was not in her nature to be hesitant.

Negative attention was better than no attention at all.

Let's focus on the positives.

He had said her name.

He had looked at her.

He had noticed her actions.

He…still hated her.

Why?

**#6: Swimming Through Molasses**

**Sung by: Tsunami Bomb**

_There's a light inside my head  
Flickering but almost dead  
My will to be awake  
Covered in two tons of sand  
More weighed down than when I began  
Impossible to get up now, it's too late  
And I feel like moving on  
And I feel like getting on with life  
To feel the presence of the sun on my face  
Is what I need to smack those cobwebs into shape  
My room is an empty cave  
Darkness swallows up the day  
The shades are always drawn  
Skin as pale as dirty soap  
Eyes that do nothing but close  
Can't even see that my love of life is gone  
Oh, outside my bed it's cold  
Each day I'm swimming through molasses  
How will I wipe the sawdust from my eyes?  
Each day I'm swimming through molasses_

**(takes place before the episode 'Helga's Love Potion')**

"Helga! Wake UP!"

The blond haired girl didn't even bother to open her eyes.

Today was…Tuesday? Wednesday? Judgment Day? Did it matter?

Once upon a time, life was innocent perfection. Umbrellas provided protection, and crackers soothed hurt feelings.

Love was free and unconditional.

Now…

Maybe she should get up.

Get dressed…do something.

But why?

So she could torture herself even more with what she once had and would never have again?

She needed a…magic potion. A beautiful concoction that could destroy feeling, destroy yearning, destroy love.

Destroy six years of unsatisfactory dreaming.

But until that day…

One foot hit the floor, then the other.

Her closet door was open and waiting.

"Good morning, beloved," she said, kneeling in front of her shrine. "Thank you for giving me a reason to live."

**#7: Topsy Turvy**

**From: The Fiddler on the Roof**

_(lyrics not available)_

**(takes place after the confession scene in 'Hey Arnold! The Movie')**

Okay, let's analyze.

She loved him.

Well, that wasn't too hard to understand.

And…um…well, that was about it.

Then why on earth was he so confused?

It was so simple before: she hated him, he…was confused…

Oh, guess he had always been confused.

But confusing was better than this absurd, unbelievable truth.

_She _loved _him_?

The world was truly topsy turvy.

**#8: Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know**

**Sung by: Brittany Spears**

_mmmm..._

My friends say you're so into me  
And that you need me desperately  
They say you say we're so complete  
But I need to hear it straight from you  
If you want me to believe it's true  
I've been waiting for so long it hurts  
I wanna hear you say the words, please

Chorus  
Don't, don't let me be the last to know  
Don't hold back, just let it go  
I need to hear you say  
You need me all the way  
Oh, if you love me so  
Don't let me be the last to know

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah baby  
Your body language says so much  
Yeah, I feel it in the way you touch  
But til' you say the words it's not enough  
C'mon and tell me you're in love, please

Repeat Chorus

yeah, C'mon baby, c'mon darlin', ooh yeah  
C'mon, let me be the one  
C'mon now, oh yeah, oh yeah

I need to hear you say  
You love me all the way  
And I don't wanna wait another day  
I wanna feel the way you feel  
Oh, c'mon

(Don't, don't let me be the last to know)  
Don't, just let me be the one  
Don't (don't) hold back (hold back), just let it go (just let it go)  
I need to hear you say (I need to hear you say)  
You need me all the way (You need me all the way)  
So baby, if you love me  
Don't let me be the last to know

He looked away…again. Of course.

She sighed for the umpteenth time that day.

She knew he knew she knew.

Even in her head, it was confusing…but it was such a simple concept.

He loved her…shouldn't that be enough?

It was obvious to the world.

It was obviously obvious to her.

His impenetrable denseness thankfully had not wiped off on her in the slightest.

He loved her.

And he was the only one who didn't know.

'Helga, I love you.'

Heck, leave out her name. She could suffice with just the three words.

She could read him like an open book…a dictionary, to be more precise.

Opened firmly to the word 'denial'.

**#9: The Ballroom Waltz**

**From: The Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World**

_(contains no lyrics)_

Dancing…swirling…everlastingly.

Helga stared at the electronic ghosts spinning in the ballroom below her.

To be cursed to dance in the arms of your love for all eternity.

Yeah, they had it _so _bad.

**#10: Kung Fu Fighting**

**Sung by: Carl Douglas**

_Everybody was kung-fu fighting  
Those cats were fast as lightning  
In fact it was a little bit frightening  
But they fought with expert timing_

They were funky China men from funky Chinatown  
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down  
It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part  
From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting  
Those cats were fast as lightning  
In fact it was a little bit frightening  
But they fought with expert timing

There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung  
He said here comes the big boss, le'ts get it on  
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand  
The sudden motion made me skip now we're into a brand new trip

Everybody was kung-fu fighting  
Those cats were fast as lightning  
In fact it was a little bit frightening  
But they did it with expert timing

(repeat)..make sure you have expert timing  
Kung-fu fighting, had to be fast as lightning

**(takes place during the episode 'Mugged')**

What…in…the…name…of…criminy…?

And this was supposed to be…Arnold?

_Her _Arnold?

She almost wanted to laugh, and she would have any other day. Because any other day, she had the upper hand. She was in control, physically and emotionally.

But this new martial art Arnold was…

What was the word?

Scary?

She was scared of him.

He was beating up people he didn't even know…what would he do to her, his supposed arch nemesis?

She'd never look at wrestling the same way again.


End file.
